Bozeman Is A Scary Town

Bozeman, Montana…a beautiful, quiet mountain town.

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Seems like a safe place to….WRONG! IT’S SUPER DANGEROUS!

Actual incidents from our police blotter in the past week, taken from the Bozeman Daily Chronicle:

February 8th
Suspects who stole Doritos from a Seventh Avenue store at 4:23 a.m. dropped the chips prior to running away from the business.
A woman reported two men were acting suspiciously in a vehicle and in a Main Street store. She said they appeared to be “tweakers” and looked like they were casing the place. Officers found they were just shopping.

February 7th
A woman called to report her own party. She said that she and her friends were having a loud get-together and were “doing it on purpose.”
A caller reported that her boyfriend’s mother wanted to kill a man with a tennis racket

February 5th
A man called a Main Street store and asked the employee who answered about clothes and masturbating.
A caller had questions about the city’s chicken ordinance.
A caller reported that a man was standing naked in a Frank Road trailer’s front window. Deputies found that the “naked” man was actually wearing shorts.
People who were mud bogging in the Cactus Road area at 9:48 p.m. were being “very loud.”

February 4th
A caller said he heard there was a $500 fine for flicking ashes off your cigarette. He wanted to know if it was true.
A woman who lives on Bridger Drive wanted to know if she could have hens in her yard.

Bozeman, Montana: Where your chickens are safely stored in the backyard, trailer park windows are free of naked men, and where no snack chip related crime will go unreported.

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GOALSGOALSGOALSGOALSGOALSGOALSGOALS….

….GOALSGOALSGOALSGOALSGOALSGOALSGOALS….

Hello, my name is Kathleen H., and I am OBSESSED WITH GOALS!

Hi, Kathleen! That’s great, but the first step is to admit you have a problem.

You are right! I have a serious problem with goal setting. I can’t stop re-writing, analyzing and working on my extensive list of goals.

Ummm….okay. That’s fine–but what about your drinking habits?

Yes! I do have a goal to drink more smoothies. And to drink cheaper coffee in order to save money to buy a car. And to find a cheap coffee that I don’t hate… You see! That’s three goals there, and that’s just the liquids category!

But what about beer? Or wine? It’s okay to admit that you have a problem.

With wine? Did you not see the Minor Threat mittens when I walked in?

Not everyone that likes Minor Threat is straight edge.

Who said I was straight edge? I’m just a girl who happens to like hardcore and doesn’t drink or smoke or eat meat. Stop pigeon-holing me, bro.

Yeah-huh….right. And no caffeine either, right?

…well, yeah….SHUT UP! I’m not celibate or anything!

Yes, the aforementioned mittens are real. Yes, I did knit them. Yes, this is my personally-written pattern. I have yarn/punk related issues.

Yes, the aforementioned mittens are real. Yes, I did knit them. Yes, this is my personally-written pattern. I have yarn/punk related issues.

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Also, I am a Mitten Threat. Not sure what that means but…hey. Who isn’t threatened by mittens?

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Thank you for joining us on today’s edition of Improv Blogger Theater!

Moving on….

You may remember my obsessive ballet goals tracker/inspiration board from a previous post…

The goals board...OF DOOM!

The goals board…OF DOOM!

For those of you who may also be obsessed with ballet…or goals…preferably both…here’s my newest addition to the board!

Ooh...printable!

Ooh…printable!

Can anyone tell what my next long-term ballet goal is?

This list, etc. is adapted from here: http://www.danceadvantage.net/pointe-readiness/

But I did remove a few points…since I am already “at least eleven years old” and I have already outright refused to “dress appropriately for class”. So let’s call this the adult version of the list.

Did I mention you can print it?????

Okay, see ya next time. ❤

Gardein Crispy Tenders Are Freaking Me The Fuck Out

2015/01/img_7100.jpg I’ve heard so many good things about Gardein products, so when I managed to find some on sale for three bucks I thought…why not?

Why not?

BECAUSE THEY ARE CREEPY.

They look like chicken. And they taste like chicken.

Kathleen, isn’t fake meat supposed to taste like real meat?

2015/01/img_7098.jpg Look at this! Look at the inside of this thing! I’m sorry, it’s just fucking creepy.

So, good job Gardein on freaking me the fuck out. I guess you did what the people are paying you for.

2015/01/img_7099.jpg Tune in later this week for a poorly-summarized review from my omni lady-friend, who I will be force feeding these to on our next date…

DOES THIS TASTE LIKE A BIRD? HUH? HUH, SWEETHEART? LIKE A MF BIIIIIIRRRRRDDDDDD?????!!? YUM YUM BIRD GUTS!

Maybe I should try harder not to scare girls away. Not many lady-dating type ladies out here in ol’Montany. But it’s like my mom never told me: Just be yourself.

Be yourself: Great advice for normal people.

Recipes For Lazy Vegans Part Two: Salty Whatsits

Hey, Moms! Tired of having the same conversation with the kids every night?

“Mom, I want sloppy joes for dinner!”

“FUCK OFF, YOU LITTLE COW MURDERER!”

Now there’s a solution!
Stop verbally abusing your children and try…

SALTY WHATSITS!
From the makers of Mamwich! (Not to be confused with the correctly spelled and more sexist canned sauce…)
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(This recipe has been adapted from…the entire internet. Sorry, I’m not sure who to credit since I’ve seen it err-wherr. Umm…I’ll credit Chocolate Covered Katie. She seems cool.)

What you’ll need:
– Off brand sloppy joe mix
– Mushrooms
– A can of chickpeas (not pictured)

Optional Items:
– Frozen tater tots
– Two tubs of Earth Balance (It’s not used in the recipe…but it was on sale, 2 for $7! That shit is expensive, man. Stock up!)

Step 1: Put all your items in one basket…we don’t have time for these multi-basketed shenanigans!

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Step 2: Finish paying for your items, then proceed back into the store to buy buns. Sure, you realized you forgot them halfway through checkout, but you were too embarrassed to admit it. It’s okay… Just check out with a different checker next time. NONE THE WISER!

Step 3: Go back to your house–or someone’s house–and start cooking! Do I need to spoon feed everything to yooooooou?? ?? .  ??!?

Step 4: Put a number of optional tater tots on some foil…or pan…or something. Put them in the oven.

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Step 5: Spray a pan with some spray… dump mushrooms in pan. Stir sometimes.

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Step 6: Open yer chickpeas. I suggest the reduced sodium kind, heavily rinsed.

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Kathleen, I thought we were making salty whatsits!

Geez…gimmie a sec… we’re getting there…

Step 7: Come to the realization, while taking photos for your silly blog, that your sink is kind of gross. Stop and load your dishwasher out of shame.

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Sorry, Internet. I promise that I’ll flush before I take my selfie next time.

Step 8: Dump the rinsed beans into the pot with the mushrooms. Stir around until they’re hot-ish.

Step 9: Open your can of salt… I mean sauce.

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If you prefer to make sloppy whatsits instead of salty ones, I suggest you try to track down the reduced sodium Manmmmnich stuff. I’m sure as hell not going to pay extra for someone to remove the salt from my sauce, though. Fuck that noise.

Also, beware of the instructions on the label…

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Please, for the love of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, do not add one pound of dead horse, chihuahua, moose, elk, beef, turkey, or human. It’s just not necessary.

But where will you get yurrrr prooooooteeeeeeeeeein???! the crowd shouted in horror…  

Step 10: DumpinthesauceOMGITSFOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!

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Stir it and eat it out of the pan. Or, if you wanna get classy…Put it on a whole wheat bun!

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OKAYMISTERFUCKINGFANCYMAN…You can also assemble it as shown below…

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Part of this balanced breakfast!

Gnite, Vegheads. ❤
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Wait…Kathleen, what’s in that jar?

Chocosoyalmomilk-in-a-jar recipe to follow in a future post.

Choreo Shmore-e-o

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So after 11 months in ballet… I’m finally learning some choreography for a performance!

And… I’m not super hot at it. Learning choreography, that is.

Okay, okay… I will give myself some credit here. Sure, I only know about 70% of the technique in the piece, and that might be part of what’s distracting me. But if I have one major struggle in ballet, it’s remembering what the fuck I’m supposed to be doing. And what the fuck direction that action is supposed to go in.

I’m finally (almost) over my issue with not knowing which foot is which, and now I have the new problem of trying to figure out what stage direction I’m supposed to be going in.

“Kathleen, this post is coming off as sort of whiny. Do you hate choreography or something?”

Oh god no… It’s wonderful…

…until you run into someone.

And then someone else.

I am happy for the opportunity to learn a piece and perform. Luckily (or perhaps unluckily) everyone else in the piece is at an intermediate or advanced level. The good news is that I should be at the back of the group most of the time… The bad news is that running into people when they are trying to do pique turns does not help you make friends and influence people.

So I’m going to go back to rewatching the group practice video and practicing.

Over.
And over.
And over.

(Feel free to use my little meme wherever.)